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Books 2010-2012 [Thursday
January 31st, 2013 at 9:20pm]
Those are the books I read these past three years.
damn long list of over 180 books.Collapse )
For three years, I have kept up a pace of 60 books (and more) per year. That IS pretty awesome. So awesome, that, despite starting out with over 120 unread books in 2009, I have now only about 20. And some of those are recently aquired or in languages that are so hard for me to read that they will probably have to wait until after I've finished with university (namely, those languages are swedish and french).

This year I've set my sights on mabe half the books of the previous years, since I plan on doing my state exams this fall. Currently I'm stuck in Game of Thrones, since I've had a surge of motivation for my studies, so I've been reading law journals instead of GoT. Yes, call me a heathen for finding that more intersting at the moment, but once you know how the book ends, it just isn't THAT gripping, I'd say. And having seen the TV Shows I KNOW how the whole mess of book 1 ends... *sigh*.
I got a kindle for christmas, so it's lots of ebooks for me now. Song of Ice and Fire was a must, since I adhor carrying around those huge books. Several other ebook-only-publications followed, as did some stuff I'll first be reading into, some stuff from the "25 best fanatsy books" list.
What I'm still pissed off about is that for some completely unknown reason, the second book in the Darth Bane (Star Wars) series is NOT available as an ebook. The first and third book of the trilogy ARE. so, wtf? I have too many will-only-read-once-starwars-books lying around my home already, so I wanted that one as an ebook only. duh!
Yeah. otherwise, as said, I'm studying a lot. Will return to that now, as well. Still have 15 pages of my "Fälle zum gewerblichen Rechtsschutz und Urheberrecht" on the schedule for today.
4 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

Davon kann ich mir nichts kaufen. [Friday
November 11th, 2011 at 5:34pm]
Davon, dass Leute mir sagen, dass ich "was kann", aber meine Korrektoren und Professorn diese Meinung nicht teilen, kann ich mir nichts kaufen.

Davon, dass ich "nur ein bisschen strukturierter und fokussierter sein müsste", bin ich es eben nicht.

Davon, dass ich ja schrecklich gute Voraussetzungen habe und "nur was draus machen müsste", fühle ich mich nicht besser.

Davon, dass Leute ohne Vergleichswerte mich "nicht hässlich" finden, krieg ich aber keinen Freund, der kein fetter Nerd ist.

Von allem Lob dass ich für irgendwelche Dinge von irgendwelchen do-goodern bekomme, hebt sich mein Selbstwertgefühl nicht, wenn gleichzeitig die Leute, auf deren Urteil ICH wert lege, oder deren Urteil darüber ENTSCHEIDET, ob ich einen Wert habe, der Meinung sind, dass cih und meine Leistung nichts taugen.

Drei Jahre für Scheiße studiert, 3 Jahre Isolation, Ablehnung und Demütigung.

Davon dass ich ein gutes Abi geschrieben habe und eine schnelle Auffassungsgabe habe, kann ich mir einfach nichts kaufen. Meinen Korrektoren ist es scheißegal, dass ich mir tatsächlich eigene Gedanken über eine Hausarbeit gemacht habe, dass ich Tage und Stunden gelernt, gelesen und gearbeitet habe, das ist alles einfach egal.

Und weil ich ohne Studium garnichts wert bin, kein Leben nahc meinen orstellungen leben kann, ein Versagen auf jeder Linie bin, lasse ich mich weiter demütigen, muss Versprechen brechen und ernte dafür neue Demütigungen und Ablehnungen, nur um irgendwann einen hässlichen Zettel zu bekomen auf dem steht "Sie haben sich Jahrelang den Arsch aufgerissen, aber weil sie zu dumm für uns sind, dürfen sie sich jetzt trotzdem einen Job als Taxifahrer suchen."

Ich hasse Universität. Ich will hier weg. Ich will nicht mehr, dass demotivierte, arschige Korrektoren aus einer Laune heraus entscheiden, ob Wochenlange Qualen etwas wert waren oder ich mein leben in den Mülleimer werfen darf, Geld mit Studiengebühren verbrannt wurden und mir meine Eltern weiter vorhalten, dass ich ja so viel besser sien könnte, wenn ich nur keine Interessen außerhalb meines Studiums hätte, und generell ein besserer, tollerer Mensch wäre.

Ich will einfach nicht mehr.
Von eurem hohlen Lob kann ich mir nichts kaufen.
Von eurer desinteressierten Ablehnung auch nicht.
1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

lol - another 100 books list [Tuesday
November 16th, 2010 at 11:22pm]
lol.

a friend of mine posted this list, saying taht the BBC (?) thought that nearly nobody would have read more than 6 of the mentioned books/collections. so. let's go prove them wrong, won't we?

bold - read completely
italicy - read partly/excerpts


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (loved it!)

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis (Another childhood favorite)

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker (in the ORIGINAL, UNABRIGED VERSION!)

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

15/100. since there's some complete works among this... heavy stuff. but there's quite a lot in there which I plan to read in the future - especially the french authors. maybe Jane Austen as well. and I read the WHOLE of War and Peace, and it took me 4 fucking months, and seriously, there are decidedly few people nowadays who still brace the whole 16 parts of it. that's a lot more trouble than some of those overrated pseudo-philosophical books like "life of pi".

Aza^^
4 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

99 books meme [Monday
October 18th, 2010 at 8:49pm]
[ mood | tired ]

bold the ones you've read
italicise the ones you want to read.
leave those you're not interested in normal

1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (JRR Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (JRR Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (JRR Tolkien)

8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (JK Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (JK Rowling)

14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (JK Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (JK Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (JRR Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (George Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)

36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)

48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Charles Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (F Scott Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (JK Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)

65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
68. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo)
69. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
70. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
71. Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
72. Shogun (James Clavell)
73. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
74. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
75. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
76. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
77. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
78. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
79. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
80. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
81. Of Mice And Men (John Steinbeck)
82. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
83. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
84. Emma (Jane Austen)
85. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
86. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
87. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
88. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
89. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
90. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
91. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
92. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
93. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
94. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
95. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
96. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
97. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
98. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
99. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Do you have memories?

Wenn Eltern durch ihre Kinder leben... [Wednesday
April 28th, 2010 at 10:27pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Na Danke auch.

Meine Mutter ist jetzt ganz ganz ganz scharf darauf, dass ich doch das "tolle" Angebot, einen Erasmus-Platz in der verregnetsten Stadt Norwegens, annehme, für den ich mich NICHT beworben habe.

Imho ist das ja immer noch ihr ewiges "ja wenn ich damals die Gelegenheit gehabt hätte!!!!!1111elftausend".

Es geht mir aufn Keks. Ihr ewiger Optimismus in allem, und dann diese halbverschleierte Enttäuschung, wannimmer ich nicht gut genug bin. "Das schaffst du schon, das ist doch alles nicht so schlimm, ich ahb da und dort gehört, dass das alles ganr nicht so umkämpft ist, yadda yadda."

Ich hab, ab dem Punkt an dem das Erasmus-Vorgespräch mit der Sekretärin vom Lehrstuhl war, mir keine großen Hoffnungen mehr drauf gemacht, tatsächlich nach Schweden zu kommen. Ich hab mir überlegt, ob ich mich in das gesamte dreckige Rennen reinwerfen soll, um irgendwohinzukommen um hinterher in meinen CV schreiben zu können "habe irgendwo am arsch der welt auslandssemester gemacht". Ich habe mich EXPLIZIT dagegen entschieden, aber NEIN, obwohl ichs meiner Mutter nur 10 Mal gesgt hab, das ist ihr nicht gut genug als Erklärung, "wenn SIE damals die möglichkeit gehabt hätte, SIE wäre ja ÜBERALL hin gegangen, die MÖGLICHKEITEN, und der LEBENSLAUF..." und yadda yadda horseshit.

mich kotzt das an, dass ich meine Entschiedung, nach Schweden oder garnicht, schon wieder verteidigen muss. jetzt ist es halt "... oder garnicht" geworden, das frustriert an sich schon, aber dass jetzt wieder das olle blabla kommt nervt nocmal zusätzlich.

Außerdem kam jetzt obendrauf wieder der Spruch mit dem "ja, dann mach jetzt halt dien Studium so, dass du nach dem 8. Semester deinen Freischuss und ein gutes Examen machst!"
Immer mit dem unterton: "ich habs ja auch irgendwie geschafft!!!!"
Es ist so verdammt frustrierend, das dümmere Kind zu sein, das halt keine Chance auf Studienstiftung hat, und keinen Wunschplatz im Ausland bekommt, und wohl auch kein supertolles Examen schreiben wird.

ich mag Jura an sich, aber mir fällt es einfach schwer, das gewollte über-output so zu bringen, wie gewünscht. Leider sehe ich für mich einfach auch keine Alternative, alles andere was mich an und für sich interessieren würde turnt mich von den Jobperspektiven einfach 100% ab (Geschichte, Schneiderei). Und ich will nicht blauäugig irgendwas studieren, womit ich nix anfangen kann. Bei jura hab ich zumindest noch ansatzeise die Perspektive, später nen ordentlich bezahlten Job zu bekommen. auch wenns wohl nie Linklaters wird.

Aza. *frustriert*

1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

life sucks? [Sunday
October 18th, 2009 at 8:01pm]
tomorrow lectures start for the winter term at university.

I have learned near to zero during break. my motivation for university is as low as ever, basically becuase there's nobody there I can connect with. and I'm just not the type to do much when left totally alone.

and my basically best friend from school is finally finished with being a soldier... but he only got into the Augsburg university at last minute. he would be lots of fun to talk and learn with (also studying law, though it's more like 3rd choice XD), but with him having to travel between munich and augsburg all the time, that won't work.

the other guy from my school who starts law studies in munich this year was never my favourite person. he's quite the annoying know-it-all.

so, basically, either I get lucky and finally find some people at university to connect with or I stay a lousy recluse who only gets out once of twice a month to meet people from the internet.

seriously, this is depressing me. then there's the shitty situation at home, with my mum being a know-it-all and always expecting me to do everything she doesn't want to because I "have the time to do it", and all that other shit.

maybe some of this will be better once I find a flat, but how long that's gonna take is the next question.

so, in the meanwhile I'm still despressed, annoyed and stressed.
and guess what: nobody I know CAN do anything about it, because none of the people I know can actually motivate me for university or help me gain friends there. and any talking shit like "oh, it will eventually get better" only infuriates me at the moment. it's not like anyone has looked at me and been interested in me for the past 24 months. not if they didn't already know me beforehand. nobody new is interested in me... so basically, I feel ugly, boring, useless and stupid.

Aza.
2 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

Am I really that much of a failure as a human? [Friday
June 5th, 2009 at 8:15pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

Seriously, do I really fail at EVERYTHING?

In the past three months, basically, everybody has been telling me that I'm a basic failure as a human.

1. I'm not trustworthy

of what? nobody told me.

2. I'm lousy at communicating

oh, nice to hear news. is it my fault all of you deem it necessary to lie all the time in order to still call it communication?

3. I'm not able to live my life if I continue to be the way I am.

oh, how nice of you to tell me. onl, obviously, I did live until now, and contrary of what you seem to think, I'm not being suicidal and NEVER WAS! and, seriously, I never do anything very dangerous, so dying is not exactly anything that's probably to happen to me in the near future

4. With your bad bad attitude you will never be happy!

attitude to what? towards people? well, guess what, if people don't like me for who I am, i will never be happy with them anyways! and my attitude towards life is NOT something any of you understands! all the above SHIT comments you make show that!

Yes, I might have a depression. losing hair from stress might be a side effect of said depression, but NOTHING YOU FUCKERS SAY ABOUT ME WILL HELP THAT FUCKING DEPRESSION!

because that depression is CAUSED by me being a lazy bum and therefor a failure at my studies, in CONNECTION with people rejecting me because they don't understand FUCK about me.

Hell, I'm not even QUALIFIED to have a real fucking disorder. I was NEVER anorexic, bulimic, suicidal, bipolar or any other shit. well, maybe somewhat bipolar, but since I haven't thrown anything around my room in ages, I gues I never really was bipolar enough to get anyone to think about me besides "oh, she is uninteresting". No teenage disorder. and ESPECIALLY not the asperger's syndrome that that fucktwad-wannabe-psychologist always interprets into anyone who's got a hobby that's not shopping for clothes and gossipping about stars and starlets. I can grasp that other people feel and understand how they feel. doesn't mean I have to make their feelings and their WELL-BEING feelings-wise my topmost priority in communicating with them. I'm not some fucking goody-two-shoes, who opresses his surroundings with his GOODNESS! (yes, that means you, mister J.K.! and you, mr "i know how everyone works" A.V.)

FUCK YOU ALL!

I need no wannabe-psychologist help! I'm neither an autist nor a child who needs to be told how to breathe right!

what I need is academical ACHIEVEMENT (I know all you fuckers believe that doesn't count for anything, becuase most of you never achieved it, but even if it may be unhealthy, it means something TO ME!!!! MEE!!!! MEEEEEEE!!! ME, who YOU always talk SHIT about becuase you don't understand FUCK!) and TIME to do things I LIKE, like writing and reading fun stuff.

If I'm too dysfunctional in my being ME to be your UNCONDITIONAL friends, then GO FUCK YOURSELVES! I DON'T do CONTIDIONAL FRIENDSHIP any longer! because it's not FRIENDSHIP! If you need me to do everything your way to be friendly with you, go find someone else who's stupid for you!

*grrrrrrrrrrrrr*

(no, most people on my lj-friendslist are NOT involved in this particular situation. I just need to vent.)

6 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

Leute, die sich lächerlich machen, Teil 1 [Sunday
May 3rd, 2009 at 12:23pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Hallo, liebe Gemeinde.... XD.

ich glaub hier liest eh kaum wer noch mit, oder?

Ich muss blos jetzt mal echt deutlich werden, weil gewisse Auswüchse einer Vereinsmeierei mir grad SO aufn Keks gehen, dass ich meiner Empörung Luft verschaffen muss. Und würde ich das auf der die Vereinsmeierei betreffenden Plattform tun, würde man mir Beleidigung und sonstwas unterstellen.

Angefangen hat das alles hiermit:
http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/forum/?forum=1&kategorie=15&thread=231284&tseite=0

der User "Tentakel" (Username nicht mehr sichtbar, avatarbild Schildkröte) wurde wegen der (auch im Vergleich mit teilen ihrer früheren Aussagen in anderen threads) Aussagen in diesem thread mit einer Verwarnung für "leichte Beleidigung" belegt.

Das fand nicht nur User Tentakel unangemessen, sondern auch andere Admins.

Tentakel beschwerte sich daraufhin in ihrem Animexx-Weblog darüber, dass Admin TonaradossTharayn sie ungerechfertigte Weise verwarnt hat und dass auf Animexx anscheinend mit zweierlei Maß gemessen wird.

Admin Yuya löschte aus dem entsprechenden "anprangernden" Weblogeintrag den Nickname von TonoaradossTharayn heraus und kommentierte, dass Tentakel beobachtet würde und mal vorsichtig sein sollte, was sie macht.

Das klang natürlich auch nicht sonderlich nett. über ENS (Privatmessagesystem auf Animexx) redete Tentakel dann mit Yuya, was von Seiten Tentakels zu Anfang als vernünftiger und entgegenkommender eingestuft wurde als alles zuvor vorgefallene.

DANN jedoch erlaubte sich eine Personengruppe um Admin Tonaradosstharayn, die zufälligerweise neben ihrer Tätigkeit als Forumsadmin auch Ober-Admin im Fanfiction-bereich auf Animexx ist, einen sehr sehr niveaulosen Doujinshi:

http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/doujinshi/suche/output/35945/63129/#seite-5

Kommentare dazu hier:
http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/doujinshi/suche/output/35945/kommentare/?page=532368

Bezeichnend: Die Doujinshi-Reihe bezieht sich "normalerweise" in mittelmäßig "lustiger" Form auf die Arbeit der Fanfiction-Freischalter. Wie man eventuell aus dem bereits geschilderte Sachverhalt erkennen kann: Bei der Verwarnung an Tentakel ging es NIE um IRGENDETWAS, was den FF-bereich tangierte. Somit hat das ganze schonmal garnichts in dem Doujinshi verloren gehabt. die klar einseitige Darstellung ist zudem höchst daneben, von der deutlichen Nennung eines Einzelusers, der NICHT auf Adminebene tätig ist, ganz zu schweigen. Tentakels Zustimmung zu diesem Doujinshi wurde nie erfragt, berücksichtigt oder sonstwie, sie könnte vielleicht sogar auf Verletzung ihrer Persönlichkeitsrechte klagen..... denn dass sie gemeint war, und NUR sie ist aus dem Doujinshi sofort zu erkennen.

Diese deutliche Beleidigung gegen Tentakel veranlasste sie offensichtlich, gestern ihren Account auf Animexx aufzulösen.

Dies ist in mehr als einer Ebene zu bedauern:
1. War Tentakel eine nicht unfähige Schriftstellerin, ihre Geschichte "Captain Hersiges Problem" wurde vor einigen Monat in die Auswahl "Yuukis und Aikos Leseecke" aufgenommen, die Animexx-interne Lesempfehlungen ausspricht.
2. War tentakel eine zwar nicht immer übermäßige freundliche, aber intelligente Diskussionsteilnehmerin im Forum. Ihre Aussagen waren üblicherweise durchdacht und folgten einer klaren Linie. Im gegensatz zu vielen anderen wusste sie meist auch recht genau, wovon sie redet.

Nun zum Auslöser dieses Dramas:
TonaradossTharayn

TonaradossTharayn ist seit einigen Jahren die alleinie Chefin des Fanfiction-bereichs auf Animexx. Zudem ist sie allgemeiner Forums-Admin und Redakteur der Online-Zeitschrift AnimePro.

Viele Aufgaben - die sie dementsprechend nicht alle gleichzeitig in entsprechender Weise erfüllt. Da sie die einzig oberste Chefin im FF-Bereich ist, ist sie für die besonders kritischen Sachen ganz alleine Zuständig. So zum Beispiel das Löschen von gestohlenen Fanfictions.

Es gibt auf Animexx seit längerem eine Möglichkeit, Fanfictions zu reklamieren, wenn etwas damit nicht stimmt. Erst vor einiger Zeit hat eine Freundin von mir diese Funktion benutzt, da ein anderer User eine ihrer Fanfictions hochgeladen und als eigene ausgegeben hatte.

TonaradoddTharayn kann wie gesagt als einzige diese Reklamationen bearbeiten.

Meine Freundin wartete über drei Wochen auf eine Löschung der gestohlenen Geschichte, dann wandte sie sich fragend an das Helpdesk, ob und wenn ja wann ihre Reklamation endlich mal bearbeitet würde.

ähnlich "schnell" sind auch oft TonaradossTharayns Antworten auf andere anfragen bezüglich des FF-Bereichs. Zwei Wochen Wartezeit auch bei Anfragen durch andere Admins sind in der ganzen Plattform bekannt, und wenn TonaradossTharayn mal krank oder im Urlaub ist, kann NIEMAND relevante Fragen bezüglich des FF-Bereichs beantworten.

Des weiteren beutzt sie das Verwarnsystem nur, wenn es ihr passt. Das System ist eigentlich dafür gedacht, dass alle ernsteren Vergehen der User aufgelistet werden können, sodass wiederholungstäter für ALLE admins als solche ersichtlich sind. TonaradossTharayn empfindet dies aber anscheinend als überflüssig, sie verwarnt FF-Diebe nicht über das System sondern spricht angeblich eine direkte Verwarnung an die entsprechenden User aus. Überprüfen kann dies natürlich so ohne weiteres niemand.

Richtig lächerlich machte sich TonaradossTharayn in meinen Augen mit 2 Aussagen:
1. "Es gibt niemanden, der den FF-Bereich entsprechend gut leiten könnte, wie ich!" (sinngemäß). Sie lehnt die Ernennung einer gleichberechtigten Vertreterin ab, da nieamnd den FF-Bereich so gut leiten könnte wie sie. Dass sie damit den Usern eine schnelle Bearbeitung ALLER Anfragen ermöglichen würde, ist ihr offensichtlich egal. Zudem ist es nur ihr zuzuschreiben, dass keine "entsprechend kompetenten" Leute im FF-Archiv arbeiten, da SIE alleine für die Auswahl neuer Freischalter zuständig ist.
2. "Azamir benimmt sich wie ein kleines zickiges Mädchen".
Diese Anschuldigun kam letztens in einer INTERNEN Mailingliste. Dass dort ein anderer Tonfall möglich ist, als gegenüber fremden, ist eine Sache, der ICH mir bewusst bin - andere Leute sind der Meinung, dass mein Tonfall ihnen gegenüber in einer direkten Diskussion dem Tonfall entspricht, den ich 100% der Zeit allen Leuten gegenüber anwende... stupidity much, aber gut, es sei einem Haufen von Vereinsmeiern, die Gründe für ihre Ausgrenzngspolitik suchen entsprechende Dummheit zugestanden.
Jedoch - am SELBEN TAG, wie man eine VÖLLIG GRUNDLOSE VERWARNUNG verteilt, jemand anders des zickigen Kindergartenverhaltens anzuklagen - LOOK WHO'S TALKING! - das ist echt mal n starkes Stück.

für mich ist TonaradossTharayn aufgrund ihrer miserablen Arbeitshaltung ihrer wichtigsten Aufgabe gegenüber schon lange ziemlich zuwider, mir erweckt sich hier seit Jahren der Anschein, dass es nur um Machterhalt und Wichtigtuerei geht, wenn TonaradossTharayn an ihrer Position als FF-bereichsleiter festhält.

Wer ähnliche Erfahrungen mit dieser Person gemacht hat, konkrete Fälle im Kopf hat, Wo TonaradossTharayn willkürlich oder unangemessen langsam auf Vorfälle reagiert hat, möge sich doch im Kommentar verewigen. Ich kann anscheinend den Journal-Standard grad nicht so ohne weiteres für diesen Eintrag ausschalten... und gesamt möchte ich ihn nicht ändern - ihr bräuchtet also einen lj-account, um zu kommentieren.

Ich bin blos echt angewidert davon, dass diese Person sich immernoch als so toll darstellt und sich anscheinend alles erlauben kann, nur weil sie sich unersetzlich macht - viele ihrer Entscheidungen weichen von Animexx-etablierten Leitlinien diverser anderer Bereiche ab, nur niemand sagt etwas, weil es ja "ihr Bereich" ist... - Ne, ich WILL diese Person langsam echt nicht mehr in IRGENDEINER Position sehen, die über der eines normalen Users steht.

Aza.

11 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

being ill sucks a lot. [Saturday
February 14th, 2009 at 7:01pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I'm ill. seriously.

got one fucking huge cold, all coughing and sneezing and headaches and stuff.

this, of course kills my studying schedule again, meaning february is half over an I am on page 80 of my 400 pages law book number one (of three to review), which basically sucks A LOT.

since my mum's hanging around at home most of the day, I can't even watch my newly-bought queer as folk season 3 dvds.

and there's too little awesome harry/draco fanfic around at the moment.

basically: everything's BLEH.

*will try to sleep a moment*

Aza.

6 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

*emo* [Monday
February 2nd, 2009 at 6:52pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

*emoemo*

my life sorta sucks right now.

I FAIL at my studies. I mean, not TOTAL fail, but pretty fail. 3 points in my first public law exam (which is a fail, but at least it didn't count) and 4 points in the civil law exam (which is the passing mark, but just.. barely T_T).
Dun yet know about the Homework in public law, but probably even worse than the 3 points. And we get back the other public law exam tomorrow... *afraid*. and on wednesday we have the final civil law exam of the semseter. >.< I have like no clue about what could be asked there and it's just TOO BLOODY MUCH that we already learned.

I feel like I suck at life generally right now. I'm getting fat, I'm lazy, I have not yet made any real friends at university and overall I just feel like one big FAILURE at life.

The things that make me comfortable the most right now, like reading and writing fanfiction and working for Animuc, make me feel dumb when I fail to learn because of them. Then my mum is constantly nagging about how I am too lazy and don't do enough and everything, and I feel even more like FAIL.

so, now I emo. life sucks.

I want Animuc to be a success, but there's still much too few volunteers and I dunno how t get more. and there are still to few visitors who boght tickets. >.<

yeah. bleh.

Aza.

1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

fuck u, government! [Tuesday
November 4th, 2008 at 9:46pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

historic day - election day. i know.

other stuff gets swiped under the carpet.

tomorrow a law will be in action in germany, that will put any sexual portrayal of minors or those who look underage on the same level as child pornography. even if the portrayed minors are 100% fictional.

do I need to add anything else?

i think not.

this basically means: the next time I look at a picture of Draco and Harry having fun while they are still under 18 or look like they are under 18, I am committing a crime.

I want to file a constitutional complaint. I feel like I'm being fucked over in my freedom of expression. It is allowed to HAVE SEX at 16 in germany (14! if nobody complains).

so why will I no longer be allowed to describe it, write about it, draw it? People who write or draw their own memories will be criminals for doing so?

ARE YOU GUYS NUTS?

and fuck McCain. win for OBAMA!!!!!!! (fuck republicans. win for democrats!!! and PLEASE, make hillary vp!)

5 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

some news from me... to everyone who still keeps up with this boring thing here! [Sunday
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:23pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Some heads-up on my life for all of you out there:

1. I'm studying now, have been doing so for 3 weeks now, and I love it. Law really is interesting, and though there are some annoying people and some boring professors, it's very interesting and just what I want to do!

2. Animuc is coming along nicely, anyone who wants to come to a REAL convention near Munich next April, go and buy a ticket over at www.animuc.de! Anyone who wants to help at the Convention can write me a mail, I'll reply with the necessary information^^

3. Animexx Wiki has a writing contest on right now, which I initiated because I thought it might just be THE way to get at least SOME attention for the Wiki. and the support it got was already more than I expected! though it still remains to be seen if this keeps up. anyone who loves Manga and/or Anime and would like to write a german article about one of his favourite series on animexx should take a look at this: http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/wiki/index.php/Wiki-WB

4. I am doing Nanowrimo this year.
Crazy? MUCH! I actually don't think I'll succeed, but it's a great self-motivatin, and I've been carrying the idea for a fantasy-novel around with myself for almost a year, and this ist just the right way to get it done in major parts, even though I doubt it will have the 50.000 words, even if if I finish ist in the next 28 days^^

5. Harry Potter fanfiction still rocks my socks so badly. current <3 author is lomonaaeren, though I was weary of her stories after reading the first few chapters of "forgive those who trespass", because it was just too creepy. But I read a few of her other things since and am totally in love.
I even wrote a fanfic... something I've not done in a few years, for a hp-fest over at hd_inspired, anyone who wants to see, go over there. I'll probably re-write it so i can put it up at the Hexfiles someday, but right now Nanowrimo and my Fantasy story are higher up on the prioroty list.

6. If there's anyone else on my friendslist who's got the hots for a Ravenclaw Quidditch Cosplay, contact me, I'd so LOVE to do one. I even bought a friggin' BOOK ON KNITTING, my weakest handycraft subject, so I can eventually knit my ravenclaw-sweater myself... ^_^"

7. (anyone who wants to adore my great wonderfulness of MACBOOK, has to come over and visit me!!!!!)

yeah. I'm usually online in icq and msn for a few hours in the evening, so anyone who wants a chat... come and get me!

Aza^^

5 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

HALLO KAREKI, DU ALTE ZICKE!!!! [Friday
June 20th, 2008 at 12:30pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

HALLO KAREKI!

SCHÖN, DICH MAL WIEDER ZU SEHEN! DU HAST DICH GARNICHT VERÄNDERT!!! Du bist immernoch genauso billig wie vor vier Jahren, bist immernoch genauso zickig wie vor vier Jahren, du hast immernoch dumme Leute, dei dir folgen, wie vor vier Jahren, es ist schön, immer die gleichen Muster zu sehen!

@schoßhündchen sakuransyrup

du bist echt... peinlich. zu feige, deinen kommentar stehen zu lassen? warum schreibst du ihn dann?

hier, damit alle ihn sehen können:

"Ich glaube, da muss wohl kareki den Anwalt einschalten."

wenn sie hier auftaucht, dann weiß ich, wer so billig ist und petzt. denn in meiner friendslist sind keine ihrer freunde. denn ihre freunde sind nicht meine freunde. mal wieder beweis dafür, dass sie es für nötig hält, ihre "spionkommandos" loszuschicken. schämst du dich nicht, dich zum werkzeug einer solchen person zu machen? du würdest mir leid tun, wenn ich nachvollziehen könnte, wie man einer person wie kareki hinterherlaufen kann, die so eindeutig unangenehm ist und auch nicht davor zurückschreckt, ehemalige freunde übelst durch den dreck zu ziehen, wenn sie sie nicht mehr für angemessen genug hält. und die es am liebsten hat, auf verbal nicht so forschen leuten rumzuhacken, die ihr kein paroli bieten können. wenn jemand ihr doch mal paroli bieten kann, dann merkt man ganz schnell, dass sie flüchtet... ist das dein idol? komisch, sich sowas zum vorbild zu machen.

as for anwalt... da ich mich auf fakten berufe, ist das keine üble nachrede. da ich sie nicht direkt angreife und nicht direkt belästige, kann sie nichts gegen mich tun. she can try, aber das wird sich zeigen.



HALLO, LIEBE FREUNDE!

Ich hab die Nase jetzt echt voll. kann mir bitte JEDER, der dies hier liest ALLE Kareki-Fälle (auch begangen unter Nicknames Miyabimaru und Lapis) in seiner Bekanntschaft schildern? und bitte jeder seine Friendslist fragen, ob er/sie/es auch irgendwo noch Leute kennt, die mit ihr aneinander geraten sind? bitte mit allen details, links, screenshots, aussagen, die ihr habt, damit ich das kompendium über miss tanja möglichst komplett habe. ich will endlich zusehen, dass sie als dauerhafter störenfried geoutet wird und jeder sehen kann, wo sie überall stunk macht.

Ich habe folgende Fälle (falls details fehlen, bitte kommentiert!):

1. Muvit (mein erster zusammenstoß)
Miyabimaru (für mich damals noch lapis, sie hatte erst seit einiger Zeit ihren neuen nick) schrieb mich per ENS an, was ich mir denn dabei denken würde, so ein blödes Visual-Fantreffen mitzumachen. Das sei ja wohl unter meiner würde, sie hätte mehr von mir erwartet. Ich schrieb zurück, dass sie das terffen nicht kennen würde, dass mir das Spaß macht und dass es sie eigentlich auch garnichts anginge, dass ich ein Visual Fantreffen organisiere. Dann begann das Gezicke. Sie wisse ja, was für (sinngemäß) unwürdige Leute auf solchen treffen unterwegs seien, sie sei ja mal auf einem in Nürnberg gewesen. Ich fand das sehr daneben, da einige Freunde von mir eben jene Nürnberger treffen besuchten und definitiv nicht das waren, was kareki ihnen anhängte. als sie immer aggressiver wurde, landete sie auf meiner ENS-Blacklist, von der Seite war einstweilen Ruhe.

2. Münchner Animexx-Treffen
Da ich danach und nach weiteren Auseinandersetzungen im Forum, in denen es meist um unterschiedliche Ansichten bezüglich der gesellschaftlichen Rolle eines übermäßig bekannten Rockstars und seinem daraus resultierenden Einfluss auf seine Fans ging, kam es zu einem überaus unangenehmen Zusammenstoß auf einem Animexx-treffen in München. da ich keine Lust auf weiteren Streit hatte, ich besuche die Treffen nämlich um SPAß zu haben, und Streit macht mir nicht viel Spaß, mied ich Räume in denen sich Miyabimaru aufhielt, da sie schnell dazu übergehen konnte, nervig zu werden. ich mied sie also, was ihr natürlich nicht passte, schließlich hat ihr jeder aufmerksamkeit zu zollen. Sie kam also und unterbrach ein gespräch, dass ich mit Cato führte. sie quasselte eine halbe Stunde auf mich ein, über diverses Zeug, details sind mir entfallen, da ich ihr auch nicht zugehört habe. Mich ließ sie weder sprechen, noch merkte sie, dass ich keine Lust hatte ihr zuzuhören, erst nachdem Cato sie aufgefordet hat, doch bitte zu gehen, weil sie ihn auch massivst genervt hat, hat sie mich endlich in frieden gelassen. natürlich nicht, ohne zu behaupten, dass ich nur zu feige sei, um ihr zu widersprechen. dass ich nur einfach keinen sinn mehr darin dsah, weil sie sowieso nichts gelten lässt, was nicht von ihr stammt, ist bei ihr bis heute nicht angekommen.

3. pancake (heute: viele andere nicknames.)
Pany hatte in meinem LJ eine kleine Spitze gegen Kareki kommentiert mit einem der üblichen "ach, die schon wieder, hört sie denn nie auf!?". Daraufhin hatte sie plötzlich in ihrem eigenen LJ im friends only-post einen aggressiven Kommentar von kareki drinstehen, so nach dem Motto, dass sie doch nicht wisse, wer kareki sei und sich da nicht zu äußern hätte. Pany versuchte eine diskussion, auf die kareki nicht sachlich eingehen konnte, woraufhin pany schließlich zum schluss kam, dass diskutieren definitiv nicht nützt, und sich fortan weigerte, auf die unqualifizierten behauptungen von miss k. einzugehen.

4. kyoskatze
hatte ebenfalls einen zusammenstoß unprovozierter art mit miss k

5. qantaqa (lj: silberblut)
hatte ebenfalls einen zusammenstoß

6. Münchner Animexx-Treffen Kareki vs. J-Rot
Auf dem Münchner Animexx-Treffen hatten ein paar junge Fans (so... 14, 15 Jahre alt, maximal) Flyer für ihr J-ROck-Treffen (J-Rot) verteilt. unglücklicherweise versuchten sie auch, Kareki zu dem Treffen einzuladen und wurden dann verbal so runtergeputzt, dass sie sich afaik danach nicht mehr auf die Treffen trauten, weil sie Angst hatten.

...

bitte, sagt mir nochmal alle details, die ihr wisst, eventuell auch mit "beweismaterial". alles, was hier, auf animexx, oder auch auf anderen plattformen vorgefallen ist. auch real live, und seperat können wir ja mal beweise für die existenz den glashauses sammeln... ich hab da noch nen hübschen screenshot rumliegen, wo madam sich in einem bildkommentar ganz un-tiefgründig über kyo äußert.

ich hab es satt und ich will beweise, damit endlich mal wirklich das ausmaß des NERVENS ganz klar daliegt.

19 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

should anyone need it... [Saturday
April 12th, 2008 at 4:47pm]
Pierrot - Neogrotesque mp3.

had to upload it for school purposes (it'll be my song when I come to get my Abitur-Zeignis - the paper I get that tells me how well I did at my abitur and what grade i have and which allows me to enter univeristy.) and I don't think it would be good to let the link go to waste.

http://www.megaupload.com/de/?d=KGB9GZ4F
5 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

fuck the world! revolution!!!!!! [Saturday
March 22nd, 2008 at 11:23pm]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6NqBFDphm0

ES IST NICHT DEINE SCHULD, DASS DIE WELT IST, WIE SIE IST,
ES WÄR NUR DEINE SCHULD, WENN SIE SO BLEIBT!

definitv.

(for those not fluent in german: It's not your fault the world is this way, it would only be your fault if it stayed this way! only it rhymes in german. the video and song is by "Die Ärzte", a german punkrock-band. they're ancient in german punk and they still get stuff across.)

much love to qani.

and if they pull through with this ad-shit, expect me to be... vanishing from here. i can't stand ugliness in my working surroundings. i loathe it so much that i might even start getting my yaoi-shit from aarinfantasy and not keep up with lj-pals in the future... this is just one fuck too much, after two times pornish pixies and everything in the wake of the whole terms of service bullshit.

I don't really read stuff at jrockyaoi any longer, i mostly just stick to lj because of... well... yshare and the few friends who actually post. and chantrea. but I could check on those without being logged in, as I do with some journals already, there are other sources for some stuff, and... i can't stand looking at ugly³³³³ text-ads all day long. sorry, but NO.

I think I'm gonna search my GJ account again...
5 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

why harry potter fanfiction is fun: [Monday
March 3rd, 2008 at 7:12pm]
1. killing Nagini with RAT POISON is the best idea ever.

2. HarryxDraco unexpectedly actually can make sense if written well.

3. it even has good MPREG!

4. an pregnant! Harry is an interesting idea.


ehm... yes. I'm totally addicted at the moment, so don't expect to see much of me. I'm reading. XD.

yeah. HP-FF <3!
Do you have memories?

O-tanjoubi omedetou, Kirito-san! [Saturday
February 23rd, 2008 at 11:50pm]
[ mood | happy ]



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLD MAN!!!!!!

seriously, he's past half of his thirties. fast approaching 40. XD. old man.

as long as he keeps making music... though he really could re-think his goddamn release-policies... *sigh*

I wanna go to a concert... like... now. ^_________^

anyways, have another great year, keep on making fun of your bandmates (poor Take and the thing with Kohta's "marriage" XD) and I definitely wish you all the success in the world!

Aza!

(picture credits to jrock_scans)

6 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

U + UR HAND! [Sunday
February 17th, 2008 at 1:44am]

Check it out
Going out
On the late night

Looking tight
Feeling nice
It's a cock fight

I can tell
I just know
That it's going down... Tonight

At the door we don't wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning

That's when dick head put his hands on me
But you see:

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight!
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just gimme the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Midnight
I'm drunk
I don't give a fuck

Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you're outta luck

Don't touch
Back up
I'm not the one
Buh bye

Listen up it's just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
Aiight

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight!
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just gimme the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Break break
Break it down
In the corner with your boys you bet up five bucks
To get at the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are
High fivin, talkin shit, but you're going home alone, aren´t cha?

Cause I'm not here for your entertainment
No
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just gimme the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
I'm not here for your entertainment
No no no
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just gimme the money
It's just you and your hand tonight


PINK LURVE!Collapse )

other stuffCollapse )
Do you have memories?

immer die gleiche dumme masche? [Wednesday
February 13th, 2008 at 10:49pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

warum eigentlich?

warum liegen immer nur wenige tage zwischen "ich liebe dich" und "ach irgendwie finde ich es ganz schrecklich, dass ich das so sagen muss, aber das mit uns wird nichts."

das ist das verfickte 3. Mal dass das dumme geschwätz kommt.

immer die gleiche scheiße.

krieg ich das jetzt so jedes jahr ein mal?

warum kriegen männer es eigentlich nicht gebacken, mal einmal über diesen verflixten unsicherheitszeitraum drüber weg zu warten? ich habe mich eigentlich immer ohne eine tiefste überzeugung in meine gefühle in beziehungen begeben. die größte sicherheit in meine gefühle war bei dieser beziehung... aber IMMER ging der entscheidende schritt von dem jungen aus und IMMER hieß es hinterher "ach war doch nicht"

meist gerade dann, wenn ich mir wirklich sicher war. wirklich sicher, dass das das ist, was ich will.

ich hab eh das gefühl, dass es mit mir niemand länger aushält. danke, dass es mir jedes jahr nochmal von neuem bestätigt wird, dass man es mit mir halt nicht lange aushält. ich habs satt. aber jedes mal, wenn ein süßer junge kommt uns sagt "du, ich hab mich in dich verliebt", dann reflektiere ich über diese sache und sehe, dass dieser mensch mir viel bedeutet. mehr als andere. genug, um zu versuchen, diese liebe zu erwiedern.

und gerade dann, wenn ich mir in meinen gefühlen sicher bin, kommt der kleine dreckige schlag von hinten, der sagt "oh, hab mich leider geirrt, war dohc nicht wirklich liebe."

WENNS NICHT SO IST, DANN SAGT ES NICHT!

Ich hasse Lügen. egal in welchem kontext, ich hasse es zu lügen, und ich hasse es, belogen zu werden. entweder männer sind einfach zu blöd, um zwischen hormonen und liebe zu unterscheiden, oder sie erzählen einfach dauernd nur scheiße.

ich weiß nicht, ob das was ich fühle, echte liebe ist. ich weiß aber, das es schön ist, dass es mir sicherheit gibt und dass es mehr ist als für andere menschen.

danke, dass es nichts wert ist.

3 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

meme thingy. harhar. [Wednesday
February 6th, 2008 at 10:14pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

you on my flist?
doesn't matter if we talk a lot, there's just this meme, and I wanted to post it XD

Meme!Collapse )

2 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

Girugämesh Live, Evening with Pany, Mack-Weekend [Tuesday
January 29th, 2008 at 2:41pm]
So, yeah.

The concerts was really awesome, NO noticeable stupid screeching children (yaaaay for thursday evening, that's just a time of the week when littlle children can't go to concerts), LOTS of guys and TEH AWESOME moshpit.

my first time in the real moshpit, ended with bent glasses and nearly-lost shoes, but a LOT of fun. though I didn't know a single song, I enjoyed the music a lot, and they really got to me, and the whole atmosphere of the concert was awesome.

then, on friday I met with nanairosmile and first we went to the youth Poetry Slam in Schauburg, and afterwards we dropped by Kings&Queens, had a cocktail, and then we went home... We talked a lot, had much fun, and we seriously need to do this more often ^___^

on saturday morning I met up with karlE and Ovan at central station, from where we took a train to Kempten. the train ride was fun, and MACK was even more so.

I played a lot of computer games, talked to funny people a lot and participated in several games, and with the others in the "Schlonz"-team, we won the "funlympics", the biggest game XD.

on sunday, most of our train-group had... vanished, but two other girls also lost a part of tehir train-group, so we went home together, and that was fun as well... XD.

now, I'm preparing the gamesroom for Aiko-Con in two weeks. have to get confirmations from the people who want to bring stuff. my mum went to my grandmother today, I'll follow on friday, then I'll be gone over the weekend.

greetings, Aza^^
Do you have memories?

BACK TO LIFE! [Thursday
January 24th, 2008 at 4:53pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]

though without michael mittermeier.

finished my facharbeit today around noon, so now... PAAAAAAAAAAARDYYYYY!!!

okay, I'll go to the girugamesh concert this evening, because I CAN! and I want to. just waiting for my dearling right now, because he has to print his stuff over at my place because his printer is broken.

maybe he'll be there in 10 minutes already, I shall see XD.

otherwise... yeah, didn't exactly do much, besides my facharbeit. but NOOOOW!!!! I'm so full-force gonna attack some books, I rediscovered my hunger for books. I mean, there's so much unread stuff lying around here, I just have to read it all XD. so, I started last night with "the unifying force", because I want to know all the detailed facts about the end of the yuuzhan vong (and OMG! IT HAS PASH CRACKEN!!!!), and today I bought a book about a homosexual relationship in WW2, then there's still that interesting book I lent from the library, detailing the measures the nazis took against homosexuality, and after I'm through with those, I'll try something swedish again, because I need a better mark at my self-assesment test.

over the weekend I'll be at the MACK-weekend in kempten, and that's SO gonna be fun!!!!!, and YAAAAY and everything XD.

I'm immensly happy zo have finished my Facharbeit. even though I don't really like it. but I never really really like what I write for school until I get a good mark for it. XD.

yay. FREEEEEEE TIIIIIIIIME!!!! *lovelove*

1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

ONLINE BREAK. [Tuesday
January 15th, 2008 at 12:23am]
In 10 days I have to turn in my Facharbeit.

I have ~5 of ~20 expected pages written.

meaning, I have to write more than one page every day.


conclusion: no internet, my computer will be moved to the living-room for the time being so I can focus on work better. tomorrow I'll try getting some books, and then I'll get my working-money and then I'll quit work, and then I'll move my computer.

At least I don't have to show up for sports for the next few weeks *__*.

so, don't expect to see me online anywhere, especially not on ICQ/MSN in the next few days. if you wanna reach me, desperately, you have my phone number.

After I finished my Facharbeit, I'll return from the dead. until the 25. January, don't expect to see me.

funny escapades to break my working-schedule might be fun, but I'll have to see what my schedule says.

BYEBYE!!!!
1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

bleh. [Thursday
January 10th, 2008 at 4:57pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I'll have to take the Biology-exam some time next week or so. I missed out on school today because I woke up with evilness-headache and I was so damn tired, so I said "okay, I'll probably call my doctor and get myself out of school today." which I did.

My mum drove me to the doctor, when i was finished there (and got the little BEAUTIFUL paper that says I don't have to got to swimming class in the next 4 weeks... yatta!) I got our letter-stuff (a letter from my mum to Jordania and my ebay-stuff) to the post office and after that i decided to have another look at Saturn for nintendo DS games... they just don't have mahjong anymore.. T_T I will have to see how to get my hands on that one... after that I dropped by hugendubel and I saw how MUCH I miss reading books that are fun. the german translation of the final NJO-Star Wars-book is lousy as hell, but LOOOOOVE, there were BEN-scenes!!!!
I'm SO sick of HAVING to read this and that and everything and never having the time to just read a funny book because I like it. I'm generally tired of school and everything, but with my decision of quitting my job NEXT WEEK, I have gained some confidence again. It just makes it so much easier to look forward if you don't constantly FEAR you cellphone-ringtune because you know that 90% of the calls are from work and you know you will have to discuss it with them again, and they will put pressure on you and make you look like you're a bad person if you don't have time for work whenever they want you to.

tomorrow I will have a last job, then it's done and over with. I won't get too much money out of it, but a lot of experience, and I just KNOW that I cannot work with my current school schedules. especially not with my school schedules and a cold of doom. and a Facharbeit in the neck.

so, I'm trying a few more pages for my facharbeit, because every page I HAVE makes my life easier. And currently my thoughts are, that even if the phrasing won't be perfect, I will at least have my pages, which should suffice for a decent grade... though I wanted something better, but with my illness and everything... it just wrecked the whol planning.

and now I'm gonna search some food, I'm hungry.

Do you have memories?

Antibiotics = teh evilness³³ [Monday
January 7th, 2008 at 5:53pm]
So. first day of school, and I was NOT there... slept half of the day, as well. being on those awful drugs is getting extremely annoying. because they fuck with my digestion, and I basically ate as much in the past 5 days as I normally eat in 1 or two days. lost 5 kilos in the past few weeks, as well. kilos I SHOULDN'T loose, because I'm thin anyways, and this way I'm ever so slowly slipping into the unhealthy level again. *does some math* okay, already IN the unhealthy level. bleh.

now my mum's back, and she has some yummy food with her, lets just hope I can keep it down.

and let's see how I feel for the religious education test tomorrow... which is stupid....

*starts learning biology because she has a biology test on thursday*

Aza^^

*who would love to have her time for animexx and animexx alone*
Do you have memories?

Heroes <3! [Wednesday
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:14pm]
Heroes <3 = Micah <3333333333³³³³³³³

Micah is so cool. he can manipulate cash terminals! I mean, how much cooler than that CAN you get? and that while being cute and only like 10 years old! I KNEW he had to have some special abilities as well, with those parents, and he'S like SO cool.

and claire's found her mum! ö.ö!

I love heroes.

otherwise, went to the doctor's today, got myself antibiotics and painkillers, and I'm already feeling a lot better... though antibiotics are evil evil things. but the painkillers are really fantastic... okay, it's not like I take those things often, and therefor enything that only stops some pain is great... but HEY! I can swallow without pain! haven't had that in a few days!

so, basically, my Facharbeit is still not much further, my doctor tells me to relax and do nothing, and I'm deadly afarind of the consequences.. but I don't feel any pain! XD

Aza^^
Do you have memories?

OMFG. real life satire. [Wednesday
December 19th, 2007 at 9:57pm]
oh MANN! ich weiß ja noch nicht, was davon jetzt verarsche ist oder ob die bratzen das ernst meinen.. aber... es klingt ÜBELST nach wischl-kinder-realsatire.

http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/forum/?forum=1&kategorie=18&thread=178109&tseite=2

ich kann mich fast nich halten vor lachen. alter, wie BLÖD.

"ich bin auch schon auf ne con gegangen und hab mir das angezogen was ich mag, weil ich den visustyle so toll finde. dann haben die mich voll fertig gemacht, weil ich nicht alle indiebands kenne!"

*headdesk*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRGSSSS!

GOTT! MACH DASS SIE DAS MAUL HALTEN!

das gibts doch echt nicht, so viel dummbratzigkeit auf einmal. ich merke echt, ich bin ALT. ich bewege mich seit 4 verfickten jahren in dieser verdammten szene... und es hat sich NICHTS verändert. nur kann ich mit stolz sagen, dass ich mich noch immer nicht für meine aussagen von damals schäme - denn zu SO einem hirnlosen schwachsinn wie das oben hab ihc mich nie herabgelassen.

boah. alta!
und dann nheira toll finden. und der MANGA! ich könnt heut noch kotzen, wenn ich in the end sehe, weils ein SO schlecht kaschierter dir en grey-doujinshi ist. arghs.

sorry, ich muss mich grad mal über belanglosigkeiten aufregen. und ich weiß immer noch nicht, ob ich lachen, weinen oder schreien soll. GOTT! diese KINDER! arghs!
2 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

okay... my week. [Monday
December 17th, 2007 at 1:38pm]
I went to school again on thursday, as I had to write my Math-exam. which was.... FUN.

I looked at the first question and decided "ok, not my type. I don't understand this." so I looked at question 2. which was more my type, but I didn't understand it immediately, so I left it out as well and got on with question 3. I didn't take loong for that question, so when I had finished it I returned to question 2. after getting that one worked out, I had one last look at question 1 and as I still didn't understand it, I turned in the paper.

I had spent half an hour on those two questions (we had one hour for the whole exam) and when I left after half of the time, the rest of my math class was totally shocked. some cursed and said that they'd kill me if I had a better grade than they had... which probably won't happen XD.

we'll see.

on thursday afternoon there was the christmas-thingy at our school, and we had our tombola. we earned 377€ with it, and had a lot of fun with it. friday was pretty eventless, until I went out with nanairosmile, and after some undecidedness about where we wanted to go we ended up in some fun rock-bar.

I was home late, and on saturday morning my mum woke me up rather early because of the preparations for her birthday. very stressful was the thingy with the car, because on friday afternoon when we were on our way to IKEA, the engine-warning-lamp lightened up and on saturday I had a look what could be the reason... and the car lacked in cooling fluid as well as in oil. and a LOT of both... X_X i just hope the engine is not seriouely damaged.

well. the birthday-party was fun, I guess, but I was so tired, the cold was probably worsened a lot by the time I spent in the cold because of the car-stuff.

so, today I am at home again becaus eof my cold... *sigh* and my computer doesn't quite like me, it bitched at my winamp player, and only after deinstalling the winamp, I could listen to music properly again... just sucks, because I wanted to use last.fm... may I'll find a solution for that problem^^

anyways, i also worked on my facharbeit a little bit. need to do still more. and the stressful-people from my job called AGAIN.... T_T can't they just ONCE shut up? it_'s SO tiring to explain the same thing to 20 people because they are too stupid to use post-it notes an their folder-stuff or WHATEVER! *sigh*

I'm sick of this.

and I'm listening to P!nk becaue I CAN! <3 to Pink.
Do you have memories?

Perfect. I got ill. >. [Tuesday
December 11th, 2007 at 9:58pm]
I caught a cold. My nose is running like crazy, I have a headache and my throat aches.

T_T

I am seldomly ill, so... this is annoying.

I managed to finish Guitar Hero on hard level this sunday, and I played all the songs on easy level to 5 stars. today I started doing the same with medium level, and I already got many of the songs, but I failed at Carry me Home (anyone surprised? I hate the song and the song hates me. it's just too random). Will maybe continue tomorrow. but the headache doesn't make playing any easier. especially now that I arrived at the songs that actually are difficult... I mean, playing easy songs to 5 stars, when you get 5 stars on sweet child o' mine on hard level, is not exactly much of a task. but the last few songs on medium level are somewhat of a challenge. *sigh* I HATE CARRY ME HOME. I'll have to play it AGAIN. I'll probably only need one try for both hangar 18 and freebird, because I like and can play these songs, but teh damn carry me home... I'll have to play it again to get 5 stars on it. -_-

*falls into bed* have a good night, all of you!
Do you have memories?

first working experiences... [Sunday
December 9th, 2007 at 9:48am]
... were better than expected.

Friday:
after school I jumped home quickly and grabbed my stuff, so I was in the bureau on time. We then took off in cars, towards Oberschleißheim, where a part of the "Deutsches Muesum" keeps planes - old and new ones ^___^

when we arrived (I drove with Yasemin and Julia from my class, who also work at mise en place) we started setting up everything inside the big hall with the planes, we had to lay the tables and everything, and when that was finished (took some time, of course^^) we prepared drinks and stuff in our "kitchen"-part of the hall. then we prepared the drinks for the reception and then it was already time for the people to come in.

at that time we already were in our ridiculously ugly working clothes, and the real work started. I was told to do drinks service, meaning constant running around with any available beverage. so, when the people finally sat down, I had to go and give everyone the white wine, but there were several tables that wanted beer, so I got beer for them. The food came and went, and I served anyone who wanted wine and beer and so on. there was one table with 9 guys and one woman, and all the guys only wanted beer. *sigh* all night long, they wanted BEER.

well, when the people were gone again my arm hurt, my legs hurt, my feet hurt and I just wanted to be home, but we still had to get all the stuff packed again, also the tables and everything. on 1:30 yase, julia, me and two other girls left, yase drove all of us home (me first because my home was closest^^) and after talking to my mum a little bit I got to bed because had to work on saturday morning.

it got a little stressful, but I arrived on time at Holiday Inn saturday morning, I got into my ugly clothes, and then we had to help with some weird conference of the feet surgeon association. they had lots of drinks on tables, and we had to take care that the empty bottles and glasses got back to the kitchen. then, when that was done, we had to help setting up the drinks for lunch, and then during lunch we again had to take care of the empty plates and glasses and everything.

afterwards there was little more to do, we got the rest of the stuff that was full or empty back to the litchen, then we had to polish some of the cutlery, then work was over and I just got HOME.

I was home at around quarter to four and I was lazy for the rest of the day, and went to bed early because I was damn tired.

today my mum and I will go to Heim&Handwerk, and that's it ^___^

Heim&Handwerk cancelled, because it would be too late until we arrive anyways. so, today will be all about maths and german and guitar hero.
Do you have memories?

.... I'm an emotional wreck. [Tuesday
December 4th, 2007 at 8:05pm]
this stress is taking me to the grave. I'm close to crying half of the time, I'm deadly afraid of dates because usually they mean deadlines, I'm afraid of failing at work and being thrown out or told off, and I'm gettin unable to cope with being alone.

M mum's in Berlin at the moment, she will be back tomorrow morning. I can't call her, because she left her cellphone at home.

my boyfriend's at work, and I absoluetly don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I want to have someone here, someone who'll just hold me and let me cry until I finally really feel better. but I'm all alone and all I have is a little music... but taht isn't helping any longer. and I still have to learn for my economy exam tomorrow.

as I don't really understand the shit on my worksheets I am currently reading about all the themes on wikipedia, and I'll have to tell my economy teacher taht he might want to bring his worksheets on the current news level: it still says that the european central bank woul do their main refinancing for 14 days ever week, but they changed that to 7 days every week in 2004.

just listening to linkin park's "crawling", and I feel exactly like this following part of teh song:

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming... confusing...
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling... I can't seem....

to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure


okay. I need someone here. as nobody will be able to come over, I'll just cling to Ole (my stuffed moose) as soon as I have finished learning.

if anyone would just drop by... I think I would be a lot happier... T_T
Do you have memories?

job etc. [Monday
December 3rd, 2007 at 10:39pm]
job-stuff all settled for now, but I still basically lack the time to really work there. and as I only have a short-time employment-contract, I might even just let that one run out and not make anything for a longer time. we shall see.

and... my financial situation at the moment is okay... though i wanted to earn some money for my sweden trip, I'll just... not do it.

I still have to finish reading Johannisnacht. *sigh*.

but that's a good thing to do now, because I'm terribly shameless and I want to read the new adventskalender-chapters on chibi-fich as soon as they're online... meaning at midnight.

oh, and there's also a jainoh+pandora-adventskalender!!!!!

*happy dance*

so many stories, JUST for me!

have a good night, bye!
Do you have memories?

which gainax guy is it????? [Monday
December 3rd, 2007 at 12:49am]
http://animexx.onlinewelten.com/adventskalender/HOIPT/

if you can enter the page, if there's anyone who was on every damn connichi, just tell me who the gainax guy (on the left) is. i found photos of him for connichi 2005, but there is no damn NAME attached! there are all the names of all the guys, but i don't know which of them is HIM. *exasperated*

and yes, I'm shameless like that.

Toru Tanabe is easy even for me, though I'm still not sure who the woman is... doesn't look like any of the mangaka, and I can't remember any female singers besides halko momoi, and she doesn't really look like halko momoi. ... but I am damn sure the other guy is from gainax (because usually the not-exactly-goodlooking japanese special guests are the gainax-guys), so... ö.ö

XD
1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

adventzkrantzkertzenglantz. [Sunday
December 2nd, 2007 at 8:31pm]
ein wort mit 4 tz. XD.

okay, heute also 1. advent, ich finde es toll, ganz viele original-geschichten-adventskalender vorgesetzt zu bekommen, werde zwar massivst stress wegen arbeit haben, die nächsten wochen, aber scheiß drauf.

heute war mein schatzi da, also alles schön *________*

*geschichten fertig les und dann noch plötzlich prinzessin 2 gucken wird*
Do you have memories?

.... second-to-last? [Friday
November 30th, 2007 at 11:26pm]
at least i didn't fail as much this time. because the competition was better than last time.

still, I want to be... in the upper half of the participants for once!

*needs to sit down and write more texts, probably*

so, yeah, that much for the poetry slam today.

I'm damn tired, and tomorrow will be animexx, and I have a big problem, because i didn't yet find out anything about prices for gasteig, künstlerhaus and... whatever the third one was.

but as my last three weeks basically sucked, I don't want to feel bad right now, and I'm a huge step closer to actually having my job. next friday I will work my first day, at some whatever-christmas-party in the Deutsches Museum in Oberschleißheim.

sounded a LOT nicer than all the hotel-shit. because every time I hear more about 5-star-gastronomy, it makes me even more sick.

we shall see. I'm damn happy I don't plan on sticking with this job longer than I have to...

and tomorrow it's the first december!!!! ADVENTSKALENDER-TIME!!!! every day another wonderful great sweet little present for me... *_____*

*is so hot for that Hello Kitty pencil sharpener*

yeah. have a good night, I'll go to sleep soon!
1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

I'm sick of people who tell my I should amputate my personality. [Thursday
November 29th, 2007 at 2:11pm]
I seriously am.

JUST STOP IT.

I've been told to change my personality since I was... 3.

as you can see, it didn't work. all the telling in the world didn't manage it, so you can just stop, 15 years of hearing it only make me more agressive every time that subject is brought up again.

So, stop now, leave me alone with your "Don't be so rebellious"-bullshit.

I AM.

YOU WON'T CHANGE THAT.

G E T O V E R I T!

okay? bye!
1 person said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

oh ja, danke, mucc-ausfall im frühling. [Monday
November 26th, 2007 at 9:24pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

okay, emo-attacke einstweilen überwunden.

dafür nächsten motzgrund dazu bekommen: MUCC werden im Frühling NICHT in Deutschland sein, weil die (%§"?/&$/(&/ in Amerika mit der Taste of Chaos-Tour unterwegs sind.

DANKESCHÖN IHR ÄRSCHE!

von februar bis MAI! *motzmotz*

boah, ey, echt, ich war seit monaten auf keinem konzert mehr, diesen freitag JBO fällt auch flach, wahrscheinlich gäbs eh keine karten mehr und da ist poetry slam.

lichtblicke des tages:
~ peotry slam menschen wahren sehr nett zur umgeschriebenen version von "Viele Tage sind vergangen"
~ morgen entfällt der mathe-unterricht. was bedeutet, dass in der klausur in 2 wochen weniger stoff dran kommen kann.

nur die arbeits-rotze bleibt.

würde es mich nicht ein heiden geld kosten, würde ich den doofen menschen da sagen, sie können sich doch bitte zum mond schießen.

zumindest leben erhebliche teile meiner festplatte noch.
was sehr sehr gut ist.

Aimo sei Dank, es ist doch wahrlich exzellent, einen Menschen mit so verdammt viel Computerkenntnissen in der Hinterhand zu haben. gibt nicht viele Leute, die sich sogar mit Datenrettung und Datenwiederherstellung auskennen und ihre Dienste kostenfrei für die Bekanntschaft hergeben.

und ich habe meine Facharbeit wieder. nicht dass sie überaus umfangreich wäre, aber es wäre nun doch SEHR unagenehm gewesen, wenn die verschwunden wäre. *seufz*

also, ich quassel nicht länger, ich überarbeite vielleicht Viele Tage sind vergangen zuende, dann kann ich das vielleicht heute abend noch an sarah schicken ^___^

Aza^^

3 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

my computer's totally fucked up. [Sunday
November 25th, 2007 at 9:44pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

two down, one to go.

speaking of harddrives.

my external harddrive is fucked, and this morning I had to discover, that my second internal harddrive is, too.

So I phoned Aimo, and he's taking care of my harddrives. he already copied most of the data to his own discs and he's currently looking if the harddrives can still be saved... *sigh*

but currently I don't have ANY music on my computer. which is depressing.

and I finished painting the tiles in the bathroom. finally. that stuff stinks like hell. It will continue to stink for a few days, but then it's done and over. my mum will give me money for helping ^____^.

and soon my 80€-voucher should arrive... as soon as the thing is here, I'll get my Nintendo DS lite. and mahjong. and the mind-jogging-stuff-game.

I still have to take care of the con-venues I volunteered to find out about. more work. *sigh* and I didn't yet work on the stuff I wanted to alter for Poetry-slam.

*frustrated*

basically the only reason my life is so fucked up right now is because of the whole working-shit. they trampled over my last weekend, and several of my afternoons because of all the paperwork and the training, and I even had problems with sleeping for several days because I was so ANGRY at those people. because they LIED so much. *sigh*

and I still have to take care of the social-security-bullshit. only then I can go to that fucker-firm and get my working contract, and only then I can work my 4 days, and only when I got my money, I can quit again.

*sigh*

you see, I currently am not very happy. the only time I'm really really happy with everything, is when my boyfriend is with me, but he is far too seldom and as soon as he's gone I get a bad conscience at myself because I spent time only with him and I didn't get anything done again. but I don't get anything done at other times as well, so I feel bad because I'm lazy all the time. I shouldn't have started this working bullshit. it ate time I didn't have, and it's eating still more time I don't have. and thinking about it robs even more time.

can someone please get the grey men off my back? MOMO! get their damn hour-flower storeagy closed again, so they vanish! *cries*

this is so frustrating. I feel like such a damn loser. I can't keep up with all the things I want to do, because my mind is constantly occupied with things I should do.

I want this nagging voice in the back of my head to stop, the one that constantly tells me I am not fit to do anything, the one that repeats the bullshit that trainer-loser told me, the one that repeats the bullshit my father told me, the one that constantly repeats my math grades and my unfinished projects.

I want to have a break. a real break. a break where there's no "oh on monday there's the english exam" and no "oh, in january you have to have you facharbeit done", and no "oh, in two weeks there's your math exam".

but I will only get taht goddamn brak after my abitur, because until then, there's constant stress ensured. first the facharbeit, then the final exams in the grundkurse, and then the abitur.

currently this is really frustrating me. and I think the first thing I have to do to get past this frustration is getting the goddamn job stuff done. as soon as that is over, I will no longer feel a money-pressure.

then I'll have to drop some of the extra stuff I'm doing. probably Poetry Slam, though I would regret that a lot, but it's just SO much time... the only other option would be swedish, and that would be even worse, because I really like the language I want to be able to speak that language also as a special skill.

I so cannot wait for school to be over.

I'm so sick of worrying about math. I'm sick of getting up early in the mornings only to sit in stupid lessons like religion where all we're doing is talking about uninteresting bullshit. this is just so frustrating.

I hate school right now. I only have 2 interesting subjects, history (I love it with a passion) and biology (which is just interesting). german is so much work, I'm just breaking down. english is just plain stupid. sports is the most annoying thing ever, religion is also useless and stupid, math is something I have wanted to be rid of for several years now, economy and law pisses me off because most of it is about strange economy bullshit I'm not interested in.

I don't want to go to school, but I have to, otherwise I'll fail in my weaker subjects.

I'm repeating myself. but i think I just had to let a lot of this out, just so I can get rid of some of the frustration.

I'll try working on my story some more.

I wish someone would just... make me happy at school every once in a while. but most of the time I sit with a certain person who is too introverted and boring to even notice how much she annoys me most of time, other times I sit all alone becuase everybody else has BETTER friends, and when I'm with people who like me so well, I'm still priority number 10, and that's something that just depresses me even more, because I know that basically nobody at my school would leave anyone else alone to be with me. I know it sounds terribly egoistic, but I just feel left alone, because most of the time, people don't spend time with me. they have better friends. I'm just left in the corner and can search someone to talk to.

I'm just not happy at school. and as it's taking up so much of my time, I'm unhappy because of school, and I'm unhappy because I'm unhappy.

oh, I'm just gonna drop it, it's not like whining here would change anything. I just wish i could at least still feel a purpose for myself in going to school but my ambition is just gone in front of all those lousy lessons.

so I'm bored, unhappy, overworked and frustrated.

I think I'll go and leave this fucking hellshit alone now.

2 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

DAMN FUCK SHIT!!!!$§(&%)%/%§ [Saturday
November 24th, 2007 at 7:37pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

for some reason NOT comprehensible for me, part of my external harddrive fucked itself up.

I AM DAMN ANGRY BECAUSE THIS MEANS MY WHOLE COLLECTION OF PIERROT MP3S IS GONE!!!!!

I do not have a single Pierrot mp3 file left on my computer.

this means I'll have to spend at least a week on re-ripping my own cds and havin one BITCHLOAD of work with getting back the few songs I do NOT have on cd, because they're limited bullshit.

*ROAR*

this is pissing me off.

especially because my Pierrot mp3 folder is the only thing that's gone, at least from what I can see. I would have just let it slip if it had been some garbage band like... .... whatever, but PIERROT!!!!!! *roar*

I hate my computer.

2 persons said "Yes!" ←||→ Do you have memories?

*panikku* [Friday
November 23rd, 2007 at 9:07pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

okay, I'm totally not getting my Christmas Story finished. so anyone who sees me online anywhere, please just kick my ass every time you see me.

otherwise, today was... okay. a lot of work to do, my mum decided that now was a good time to finally get the bathroom renovation done and over with. So we cleaned the bathroom, tore all the useless stuff from the walls, closed the holes that were left from doing that, and I got to do the first layer of paint for the tiles. because the UGLY³³³³ brown tiles will be painted WHITE.

the laquer is really ugly stuff, smells like it wants to kill you slowly from the inside, and it probably even does so. so i kept my mum out of the whole thing and painted everything by myself, it'll be bad enough that she has to sleep on the same floor with the whole stuff smelling the way it does. with all her allergies and so on... *sigh* but the other possibility would have been to kick out the whole bathroom and that would have cost several thousand euros. this renovation costs about 200 euros. she'll survive^^

oh, and my sweetie will be over soon. at least I hope it will be SOON. and I'm hungry, and fuck those eco-people who say that you should de-freeze you stuff in the fridge. it doesn't work. when I decide I want to eat, I don't want to eat three days later. My lovely tuna is still frozen. -_-

so, my mum's bitching because of the food. I don't have much else to say anyways. so, good night to you!

Aza^^

Do you have memories?

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